With another year almost passed, I find myself looking forward instead of backwards. 2013 is going to be another year begun (and hopefully ended) in Costa Rica, and it holds more possibility than I can imagine.
But for reflections sake, I wil admit that I struggled this year with feelings of uselessness, lack of purpose and incapability. But I am done with that now. My naivety is long gone, but I have a newfound sense of being able to conquer the world, if I just put my mind to it. When I graduated from high school my Mom made me a very special quilt, and she stitched jokes, poems and beautiful messages throughout the seams. She wrote "you are a mountain mover." At the time, it made me tear up, but it seemed logical enough. (I know how that sounds, but hang in there with me) Up to that point in my life, all of the challenges I had encountered were conquerable. I may have come a little short of the desired outcome a few times, but I had never felt useless. I had never thrown my hands in the air and completely given up.
I can admit that Gallo Pinto made me give up on more than one occasion. I threw my hands up, and planted my ass securely in my hammock. I stopped having high expectations, I stopped feeling capable and I confronted persistent failure. Although I never gave up for more than a day at a time, I will admit that my previous site was the first challenge in my life, that wasn't conquerable. And even after leaving, and moving to a completely new environment, it was difficult to kick that gnawing sense of incapability.
I don't know exactly when, why or how - but its gone. I'm a mountain mover again and it feels good.